Thunderstruck

I'm currently posting from my porch, where a monstrosity of a storm is flooding the street and making all -kinds- of noise, not to mention shaking my porch to the point of knocking down a picture and for what I think is the first time ever, leaking. I gave in and closed the windows when the wind started to pick up which turned out to be a wise decision as the wind then picked up even -more- and rattled the windows somethin' fierce. The wind seems to have cut down for the moment but the lightning is bright and the thunder is loud (and there is very little space between them). My biggest concern is one particular window, which doesn't have a latch but is stuck at the top. The bottom, for a while, was blowing in enough to make about a half-inch gap and water was actually streaming in through it. Crazy.

Friday night as I was going to bed, I had something of a revelation. And suddenly, all at once, (crackaBOOM) all the anxiety I've had all summer over figuring out what I'm going to do regarding my life and future was gone and (bambamBOOMechoecho that one actually just terrified me) everything sort of slipped into place. (Oh man, that one actually set off a car alarm.) (I'm done making thunder noises because now they are happening faster than I can type them. Getting back on track:) So now I have a plan, of sorts. I will be attending classes this fall, assuming I still can. If not, I'll go back at the semester or next year if I have to. The wait won't kill me. But I think for the first time, I'm looking forward to going to college. When I was a freshman there was a certain amount of anticipation, but that was mostly just towards moving out and being on my own. Now I'm actually looking forward to being a student again.

The storm is starting to lull, so I'm going back in before it sneaks in another eardrum popper.

Hey, Catastrophe

Today I had what I can only think to describe as a mental disintegration. After a night out at Perkins from which we all returned home around 4/4:30 ish and somehow became completely and totally convinced that if I were to evaporate away nobody would notice or be concerned. What brought on this sudden vacation of my self-worth has so far eluded me but it kept me up till about 6 in the morning before I finally managed to fall into a somewhat restless sleep. And it didn't go away when I woke up. I've spent most of the day feeling hollow and useless to a degree I haven't felt for a long time.

What scared me even more than the fact that this came out of nowhere and completely blindsided me is the fact that I've gotten so used to never telling anyone anything that nobody noticed.

About the best I've felt all day was at work. It was crazy busy for a Wednesday and I made $79 in tips (blowing away my previous record of $66) and as silly as it may seem that sort of made me feel a little better.

Tomorrow I have the day off and if I don't use it for something I think I am going to go certifiably crazy.

On a lighter note, I've gotten wrapped in to Little Green Men by Christopher Buckley. I loved Thank You For Smoking so I thought I'd see what else he'd written, and I think this book may be even better. Conspiracy theories have never been funnier.