Ways Not to Write a Novel

It's a tricky thing, not writing a novel, and you may need some helpful advice to get you through the process. Fortunately for you, dear reader, I have a great deal of experience in not writing a novel, and I'm going to share with you some of the top techniques. Be warned; some of these are not for beginners.

1. Netflix. If you're not subscribed, you should definitely sign up--at least for the online streaming. Sure, you can probably find everything on Netflix elsewhere and save $8 a month, but Netflix has a magical invention that is almost essential to not writing a novel: the instant queue. In less than twenty minutes, you can have the next 250 hours of viewing planned and lined up, ensuring that you'll even have to think about what to watch next, lest you be tempted to give up and get back to work. Need a place to start? I recommend diving into something with more than 200 episodes, like Law and Order: SVU.

2. Discuss your story. This one's a classic--writers have been using it to not write for centuries. At every opportunity, tell your other writer friends about your novel; talk about your characters and the brilliant narrative that will bring them all together. If, somehow, you manage to exhaust those topics, move on to talking about your eventual search for an agent and things you'll talk about on your book tour.

3. Video Games. You're bound to be getting burnt out, and video games are vital for restoring the creative process. Just shut off your brain for a while. It's for the best.

4. Research. It sounds boring, but don't be fooled. You have no idea of knowing what you might need to have experience in when you first start your novel. Dedicate yourself to at least 2 hours every day hitting random Wikipedia articles and reading Cracked.com.

5. YouTube. Just start with one two-minute clip of something you enjoy. A song, or perhaps a kitten slideshow. Then, follow the related video links until you have been completely enveloped by the YouTube vortex. Once you're in the vortex, don't worry about putting off your novel--there's no way you'll escape.

You may have noticed that many of these techniques require access to technology, but don't think they're your only options. If you're trying not to write a novel, it may be the perfect time to pick up a new hobby like origami, or lawn darts. Is your kitchen stocked? Closets clean and organized? Bills paid? When in doubt, just take a look around and you're sure to find something. Perhaps a blog post.

Now, if you're actually looking for ways to write a novel, I'm not sure I can help with that. I mean you could, in theory, just not do all those things...but I fail to see how that could be at all possible. You're probably doomed.