Give In To It To Make A Difference

It turns out I sort of double-lied about the blog; I said I'd do it, and didn't, then I said I was setting it aside for a while and I started working on it. Basically, I finally have figured out how I'm going to design the layout [don't worry, I'm getting rid of the blue] and although I did start making it, I'm going to end up scrapping it and starting over because it still wasn't quite right. Still, I'm well on my way.

But that's not what this post is about.

This post is about my life, and it's important in a way that nothing on this blog ever has been before, because it involves a fairly big decision that may very well upset some people.

Over the last year I've become completely apathetic towards college. I don't even know why I'm here anymore. The only classes that I feel any kind of passion towards are one credit extra-cirricular things (band, broadcasting, etc.) that ultimately don't matter at all to a degree. I don't care about all the extra classes you need to take to graduate, I don't care about the extra classes in every major program, and most importantly of all, I don't care about the degree.

I tell everyone that I'm going to school to study music, creative writing, and computer science. But think about it--nobody in the music industry cares if you have a degree. Most fiction publishers make their decisions based on the story, not the background of the author [this is different of course in journalistic careers, which I never ruled out, but likely were not going to be my career path anyway]. And every manual you'll ever need to learn to program is on the internet if you know where to look.

So at this point I have two choices: I can stay here, and keep feeling like everything I'm doing is completely useless--or I can leave.

I haven't made any final decisions yet but I'm almost positive now that I'm going to take a year [at least] off from college. If I'm going to get anything out of this, I have to want to be here and right now I'm just not at that point in my life. The more I thought about, the more I realized I never wanted to go to any particular college to begin with. I just went because that's what was expected of me. Because I was in the top percentage of my class, because I was smart, because I'd be wasting my life if I wasn't out getting a professional education.

I went to Knox because I wanted to get the hell out of Wisconsin. And I came to UW-L because I wanted to live in La Crosse. And I stayed in the same rotation of summer break and class that I've been in since kindergarten because it was expected of me.

My parents are probably the people who will have the biggest issue with this. My parents also, from time to time, read this blog, and while it may not be the best way this is how I plan for them to find out. And to them I apologize, for all the money they've stuck into colleges, and for ruining their image of their bright young son who in reality stopped caring halfway through high school.

I want to find a passion, and I want to live it. If it takes me back to school, that's awesome, and if it doesn't, that's fine too. The other night I helped Nick move out of his apartment to get away from his roommate. Nick's been trying to get clean and get his life together. His roommate was too, for a while, but recently had a total relapse and he made the apartment a pretty bad place to be for someone who needs to get away from all that. Anyway, we've been talking a lot lately about addiction and hypocrisy, and how people make so many excuses, and if you want to do something, just do it.

There's a certain point you reach in life where it's really just too late. You're stuck where you are and whatever chances you might have been able to have, it's too late, you missed. The thing is, I'm not there yet. I'm still young [and yes, I realize that most people my age also don't know what the hell they're doing] and there's still plenty of time. Even if this whole thing ends up to be a total cataclysmic failure, at least I'll have taken the chance, and at least I'll be young enough to bounce back.

I think I could keep going on and on and on but I'm afraid I'm going to start repeating myself. And I hate sounding serious for this length of time anyway. You all know that I don't get dramatic but it's hard for this to come across any other way.

I realized today that there's a fundamental flaw in the question everyone asks. "What do you want to be when you grow up?" (Two, if you count being grown up as a totally incalculatable and ridiculous time period.) It's the word want. They should be asking what we will be because otherwise it just doesn't seem real. Throughout high school we were told over an over to be ourselves but they never bothered to explain what that meant. (On a related note, google narcissism and college for more on how being told we're all special has screwed up our generation.)

I am very interested to see what kind of comments I get on this.

Spare The Suspense

So, I lied...but then, you're all used to that by now. Actually the site design has sort of taken the back burner at the moment, but rest assured that all is not lost just yet. Don't expect anything in the immediate future, though.

The first post on my present blog will, if I remember correctly, inform you that I had deleted all the posts before it, which I think was in the 400 range. Now, I regret doing that, because I like looking through my archives sometimes and feeling silly in hindsight. How much of my own history did I through away just because I didn't agree with it anymore?

Anyway, moving on.

I got a new job delivering pizza at Rocky Roccoco's. I haven't decided if I like it yet. The tips are nice (they essentially double my paycheck) and its great getting paid to drive around listening to music, but working in the kitchen between deliveries is lame-o. Oh well. As long as my car doesn't decide to screw me over, I think it'll be pretty good.

I went to a show Friday night at the Warehouse, very impulsively. It turned out to be a fantastic idea because it's one of the best shows I've seen there. I missed the first band, but there were five (!) others, My Valrykie, WhaleHorse, Sullivan, The Classic Crime, and A Change of Pace. All five bands were good, and the last three were all especially fantastic. (ANGELA: I wanted to call you before the show, because I thought I remembered you talking about seeing Sullivan once, but I couldn't get your number.) I'm putting this in the post mostly to remind myself to look into buying their CDs or at least downloading their free songs, because I'll probably forget otherwise (I have so far!) While I was there, I ran into my roommate's little sisters' friends, who are now I think sophomores in high school. The last time I saw them they were in eighth grade, and it was really weird for me to see them as high schoolers going to a show. (Likewise, I think they all thought it was weird seeing someone they thought of as a geeky senior at a show, judging by the looks I got at first =D )

Spring break is over, officially, because it's Monday now. Is it weird that I don't know how I feel about this?

More importantly, is it weird how much time I spend thinking about how I feel these days? Everyone tells me that I never used to and I can't tell if I did or not.