Gotta Meet The Guy Who Does This Alone

The thing that makes blogs (especially my blog) unreliable is the wait. My wait for comments before I post again, and your wait to see what I post next, to see if I reach a decision. Well, I've officially reached a conclusion:

I might take a year or two or more off school.
And I might not.

The truth is I have no idea and I have less and less of an idea every day. I bounce back and forth faster than a Democratic candidate. (Oh, man, that joke would have killed 3 years ago when it was relevant!)

Every single person who responded to my last post was right. And I've looked at it from all those angles. Maybe that's what makes this whole thing so messy. I always play devil's advocate to others--when I can be my own DA the possibilities are endless.

Martin noted (and Angela has called me on this multiple times as well) that I have an innate ability to turn a conversation completely around and make it about the other person. I can utilize this at will but often it activates itself and it can be very tricky to catch. And we've discovered there's a sort of chain--that there are a lot of people out there who are alright being listeners, but even they need to vent to a few specific people. And I'm one of the people they often talk to. But that's where the chain sort of stops, at me--it takes a lot of effort to get a little bit of personal information about me. Like a walnut, or something.

The point I'm getting to is, I don't usually have the need to unload like most people do (or at least I never used to). I try to be there for my friends when they need me, because I know they'd do the same. And that's enough. Just knowing that they -would- if I called on them is enough for me.

What I'm struggling to say here is that I appreciate the support and honesty. Chris no talk feelings good.

Going back to my very first point, I will make an effort to minimalize the wait between posts (which means I will not be such a commentwhore anymore no matter how much i want to be). Melissa discovered my Facebook blog feed the other day and she asked me why I blogged. Fact: I've had this same URL since possibly 8th grade, although the blog itself has gone through a handful of changes and also a large chunk of it was blasted off the face of the internet. I'd say it became routine, but at times my updates were so sporadic that I don't see how that's possible.

And it's not like I think my life is so interesting that everyone wants to hear about it. Look-at-what-I-did-today is one of the worst kinds of blogs. So I'm not entirely sure why I'm doing it--but I continue to get comments, roughly 1.5 per post (made up statistic) and so as long as I know someone's reading, I'm going to keep writing. I feel like I've done something with my time, and you get something to read, or a chance to check up on a friend, or a way to get inside my head and wonder what's wrong with me, whatever. As futile as I know it is, it doesn't feel that way, so I continue. I think that's why it always makes me sad when friends stop updating.

That being said, I'm pretty sure she's only read the 25-or-so posts that fed over to Facebook before it decided to stop about a month ago, and I'm a little afraid to show her the rest of the archives. Although, it is coming up on two years since I made that post about a girl my friends wanted to set me up with that I had no interest in whatsoever...

I get distracted when I write these and by the time I reach the end I never know how to close, because I've usually deviated to at least one or two other topics but the inner writer inside of me (he has been acting up ever since I started listening to I Should Be Writing) feels the need for a good conclusion, which more often than not ends up being something saying how I don't know how to say or a brief, "it's over!"

So, in conclusion, I haven't figured out what I'm going to do yet, but I think I almost have all the pieces of this 1000 piece puzzle and I should be able to start putting it together soon. Promise me you'll try to help if only by hanging out and keeping me sane while I try to find out why there are 600 blue sky pieces, and I promise to try to keep you updated. All we can do is try, right? We never fail if we're trying.